I’ve learned in these last few months that when you are in survival mode… in an ongoing functioning trauma response, your boundaries will drop, you will forget who you are, old habits of protection will find their way back to you. Those neural brain pathways are deep motherfuckers. 

My old habits have come back with a vengeance these past few months and yet somehow awareness remains. It’s not the same numbed out reactions of denial. I know where and when I fuck up almost as soon as I do it. And I fuck up plenty. 

Coming out of the pandemic and into the 2020-2021 school year I maintained a calm and present way out in the real world. Well, at least in hindsight… it seems, lately, I am always looking back, trying to get back to this person I was, instead of allowing the person I am to be here. And also, I have no desire to actually go back to 2020. 2020 me got me to 2022 me, but 2022 me is a whole new bitch, and I’m not too upset with her. 2022 has been the hardest year of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for any moment of the past and it’s going to make for a very vibrant future. 

Small changes, many times. I wanted to make big change. And I did just that, but only through making teeny tiny itty bitty changes at a time. It also took a lot of personal coaching and what grew out of it was some serious self love. Because, you see, before, I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t believe I was capable, I didn’t have faith in myself, but by making teeny tiny changes each day I began to change the landscape of my brain. Each day I showed up for myself I made stronger neural pathways that proved otherwise… that proved I could trust myself and that I was worthy. And the best part is I didn’t need to depend on anyone else for this process. The connection and friendship I have developed with myself through this process has been the most rewarding.

In the last 5 years or more I have made a lot of changes in my life. In the last 3 I have made massive changes, and in the last 9 months, my life has gone completely upside down, right side up, back and forth and now I just don’t know which way is up or if there even is an up. I’ve been journaling through all of this and it just isn’t hitting the way I need it to. Since I remembered about that whole creative outlet thing, I realized, I’ve got to get this shit out of me somehow.

So Ima blog (shrugs)

I’m scared. I’m scared no one will read it. I’m scared people will read it. I’m scared the people who do read it will judge me.

By taking an authentic journaling approach I plan to share how meditation looks different from day to day and how sometimes it can often appear not terribly transformative, and yet lead to wild new ways of looking at life and ultimately be the MOST transformative thing even when it doesn’t feel so. I’m also excited to take this opportunity to more deeply reflect on my own practice. Often I meditate and then I am done. I hope this will shed a bit more light onto my own practice while also encouraging and supporting others on their own meditation journey.

Dear Universe, It’s Me, Bec,

A Blog About Deciding To Blog (This is really exciting stuff folks!)

So this is my first blog… ever, well sort of. Let me explain. Last January I started my first class towards my second masters degree…